It's kind of weird. I have a sexual libido not surpassed by many men. And not just sex in itself but passion. I actually fantasize about kissing and simply moving my hands all over a woman body. Seeing lovers in public that touch each other in simple normal ways turns me on. I really really like cuddling and the one thing I truly desire is waking up next to the same wonderful beautiful every morning.
Yet I don't sleep around. While I've had some cheap flings I initially thought would be one night stands so far to date I have never actually had a one night stand. I've had comments of "doesn't it go down" to "men like you don't exist". And men that truly know me shake their heads and tell me how I could be an incredible "player". Yet I don't sleep around.
I don't usually approach women straight off but prefer to watch from a distance over time. Women never mean what they say so I watch instead to find out what kind of person they are. Who have they dated? What are they attracted to? Who do they make friends with. How much do they sleep around. I've turned down enough one night stands and sure things than I care to think about.
If anything I've turned myself into an anti-player. I've incredibly intelligent yet I've eschewed getting pretentious college degrees. I'm a straight shooter, I find it very hard to lie though I've learned that it's a necessary skill to simplify whatever your talking about and to tell people what they want to hear; I'd make a terrible sales person. I don't parade around in an expensive automobile. I have a motorcycle but it's not a Harley because I find that sub culture itself pretentious though I love motorcycles in and of themselves. I don't have a fancy job, I'll survive on temp work and sometimes I have only a couple dollars in my pocket. All I have is me, and everyone that actually gets to know me tells me how awesome I am. And it's not that I can't be more or don't want to be more, it's just that I don't have anyone to be that for and if I were that already, if I were the doctor or the lawyer, I would know that chances are it wasn't me she was attracted to but rather the clothes.
All the shit women say about how non materialistic they are compared to other women or how they don't sleep around is 99% pure bull. Same with what they say they want in a man. All that I have a job and can take care of myself is just talk. Faced with reality they run off with a guy with a nice car, clothes, that flashes money, and treats them like the commodity they really are.
Yet I'm a hopeless romantic foul and I believe in soul mates. And I hurt dam it!
Calgon take me away!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Electronic Tattoos / Squid Skin
While I am a nerd through and through, I don't look like one. I look like an ex-jock or hells angel except I don't have any tattoos.
I think many geeks became geeks more out of being meek looking and socially outcast than out of anything fundamentally different about their brain or intelligence. My brain on the other hand is wired differently. I have a fundamentally more difficult time socially interacting with people than an average person realizes. I have been trying to deal with this problem for most of my life. My thought process is fundamentally different. It's something like being dyslexic or having autism. Anyways I digress.
My appearance is that of a jock/biker. I'm a walking Neanderthal. I may have chosen to shave my head but overall I have little choice over what I look like or how strong I am or how my body is built. I am brains and brawn. For what I look like I must say tattoo's would look good on me. But I'm way too choosy and I am apt to change my mind. I dare say if I eventually decide to have traditional tattoos I would plan out my whole body theme and design before one drop of ink were injected into my skin and it would all be completed within a year.
But it just occurred to me while sitting in a bar this Saturday looking at other people with tattoos, what if tattoos could be dynamically changed? What if something equivalent to E-Ink were injected into the skin rather than pigments... You could erase or make them transparent in the morning when you goto work and turn them on after a change of closes after work... At another level you could change your tattoo design as often as you changed your clothes. It would be a little bothersome as you would need to move something like an electronic printer over any skin you wished to change.
This isn't completely practical with modern E-Inks as they have a limited life and can only be changed a limited number of times. But something equivelent and more reliable is sure to core around.
Now think about squids. Some squids can not only dynamic change their coloring and pattern dynamically but can also glow to a limited extent.
This isn't a prediction, this is going to happen. A guy will be able to walk into the equivalent of a plastic surgeons office and get a blood sample taken, the following week he will return and be given a shot. This shot will transform his outer skin into something similar to a squids membrane, complete with new nerves that will interface with an implanted microcomputer somewhere in his body. He will be able to think and instantly change the appearance of his skin.. just like a squid and be able to save and restore patterns to an external computer. Something similar might even be available with hair. I don't know about you but this thought just blows me mind. Forget about clothes... hmmm which tattoo am I going to wear today...
I think many geeks became geeks more out of being meek looking and socially outcast than out of anything fundamentally different about their brain or intelligence. My brain on the other hand is wired differently. I have a fundamentally more difficult time socially interacting with people than an average person realizes. I have been trying to deal with this problem for most of my life. My thought process is fundamentally different. It's something like being dyslexic or having autism. Anyways I digress.
My appearance is that of a jock/biker. I'm a walking Neanderthal. I may have chosen to shave my head but overall I have little choice over what I look like or how strong I am or how my body is built. I am brains and brawn. For what I look like I must say tattoo's would look good on me. But I'm way too choosy and I am apt to change my mind. I dare say if I eventually decide to have traditional tattoos I would plan out my whole body theme and design before one drop of ink were injected into my skin and it would all be completed within a year.
But it just occurred to me while sitting in a bar this Saturday looking at other people with tattoos, what if tattoos could be dynamically changed? What if something equivalent to E-Ink were injected into the skin rather than pigments... You could erase or make them transparent in the morning when you goto work and turn them on after a change of closes after work... At another level you could change your tattoo design as often as you changed your clothes. It would be a little bothersome as you would need to move something like an electronic printer over any skin you wished to change.
This isn't completely practical with modern E-Inks as they have a limited life and can only be changed a limited number of times. But something equivelent and more reliable is sure to core around.
Now think about squids. Some squids can not only dynamic change their coloring and pattern dynamically but can also glow to a limited extent.
This isn't a prediction, this is going to happen. A guy will be able to walk into the equivalent of a plastic surgeons office and get a blood sample taken, the following week he will return and be given a shot. This shot will transform his outer skin into something similar to a squids membrane, complete with new nerves that will interface with an implanted microcomputer somewhere in his body. He will be able to think and instantly change the appearance of his skin.. just like a squid and be able to save and restore patterns to an external computer. Something similar might even be available with hair. I don't know about you but this thought just blows me mind. Forget about clothes... hmmm which tattoo am I going to wear today...
Saturday, March 3, 2007
How tastes and attractions change
First food. I use to love certain foods when I was younger, now as I am older I find them rather bland. While other foods which I swore I'd hate until the day I died I actually now find absolutely delicious. When I first started drinking a few years back I found the taste of alcohol very unsavory. Now I actually find the different tastes and effects very sophisticated. I use to hate V8, tomato juice, and green olives. Now I will get cravings for each of them. And I very much enjoy Bloody Mary's now.
Now as for attraction. I'm probably the only male that isn't gay that would actually admit this but my absolute first crush was on another boy when I was 5. There was nothing sexual about it. I was just in awe of meeting another boy that looked like me, white blond hair, blue eyes, and fair. It's kind of how one looks upon an older brother in awe. But never the less it was my first crush because I liked looking at him. It's also strange to note how my first two out of three female crushes were Hispanic. Now I generally don't find Hispanic women all that attractive. Ever since then I've just been infatuated more than less with fair skinned women.
But even the form of that changed. Usually the girl was either tall or very slim. I absolutely detested larger girls. After I turned about 28 I noticed quite dramatically I started looking at thicker women and women with larger posteriors. I also preferred long straight hair over curvy or wavy but now I find myself attracted to some women if for no other reason than their wavy hair.
Another thing as a younger man the thought of two woman sexually together was a turn on. Now, for the most part, it's a turn off. People are as they are and I'll accept them. If your a lesbian, I may initially be attracted to you but the thought of not being able to satisfy your desires is disturbing and I'll turn off soon enough. I'm even less attracted to bisexuals, it's like they think they deserve one of each. They may say they don't but it's part of the subconscious desires of a true bisexual. You can be with them but no one person can ever really satisfy them. And also I'm not talking about women that can tolerate putting on a show for men but really aren't in the least gay; that they would dance and maybe kiss with other women when you know they are doing it for your benefit is a turn on. Oddly I think if I were to get in a serious relationship and later find out the girl was into other women, where other men would get down on their knees and thank god, it would break my heart.
I am a very weird man.
Now as for attraction. I'm probably the only male that isn't gay that would actually admit this but my absolute first crush was on another boy when I was 5. There was nothing sexual about it. I was just in awe of meeting another boy that looked like me, white blond hair, blue eyes, and fair. It's kind of how one looks upon an older brother in awe. But never the less it was my first crush because I liked looking at him. It's also strange to note how my first two out of three female crushes were Hispanic. Now I generally don't find Hispanic women all that attractive. Ever since then I've just been infatuated more than less with fair skinned women.
But even the form of that changed. Usually the girl was either tall or very slim. I absolutely detested larger girls. After I turned about 28 I noticed quite dramatically I started looking at thicker women and women with larger posteriors. I also preferred long straight hair over curvy or wavy but now I find myself attracted to some women if for no other reason than their wavy hair.
Another thing as a younger man the thought of two woman sexually together was a turn on. Now, for the most part, it's a turn off. People are as they are and I'll accept them. If your a lesbian, I may initially be attracted to you but the thought of not being able to satisfy your desires is disturbing and I'll turn off soon enough. I'm even less attracted to bisexuals, it's like they think they deserve one of each. They may say they don't but it's part of the subconscious desires of a true bisexual. You can be with them but no one person can ever really satisfy them. And also I'm not talking about women that can tolerate putting on a show for men but really aren't in the least gay; that they would dance and maybe kiss with other women when you know they are doing it for your benefit is a turn on. Oddly I think if I were to get in a serious relationship and later find out the girl was into other women, where other men would get down on their knees and thank god, it would break my heart.
I am a very weird man.
Give Them Wine....
Well I discovered another blog this weekend. Triplecream by Bree Crocetti. I found her doing a search for Bottle Rock. I very much like wine and I'm interested in finding a reasonably priced wine bar to try out a lot of the more expensive wines to find those which I like as well as to develop a more sophisticated pallet for them. I love cheese which is often featured at wine bars. Plus it will give me a chance to associate with another click of people. I love diversity.
I can drink all sorts of hard liqueur and it takes a lot to get me drunk, but give me a few glasses of wine and my head is spinning. It's amazing how different alcohols effect different people differently. I like drinking on weekend evenings but I prefer to stay close by in Culver City just in case I drink too much.
Well it turns out Bree is a local connoisseur of restaurants and wine. She has a lot of great reviews for places mostly on the westside and she takes lots of pictures. And it turns out not just one new wine bar opened up locally but two! Right under my nose... The other bar features mostly Italian wines on some sort of fancy wine dispenser. I think Danial, my local Taxi driver is going to start getting a lot more business as those places are on the the other side of town.
I can drink all sorts of hard liqueur and it takes a lot to get me drunk, but give me a few glasses of wine and my head is spinning. It's amazing how different alcohols effect different people differently. I like drinking on weekend evenings but I prefer to stay close by in Culver City just in case I drink too much.
Well it turns out Bree is a local connoisseur of restaurants and wine. She has a lot of great reviews for places mostly on the westside and she takes lots of pictures. And it turns out not just one new wine bar opened up locally but two! Right under my nose... The other bar features mostly Italian wines on some sort of fancy wine dispenser. I think Danial, my local Taxi driver is going to start getting a lot more business as those places are on the the other side of town.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Thanks for the music
Mr. Vilians you were my guitar teacher in school and I just want to say thank you. I received A's in all your classes but we both know it wasn't because I actually had any talent, it was because I just really enjoyed picking up a guitar and being able to play something. And you gave me that and every time I pick up a guitar I'm always grateful for it. Thank you.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Steve & Barry's
Took a stroll this afternoon. Stopped at a bunch of places but ended up at the Fox Hills mall. This is totally going to sound like an ad... I finally got check out Steven & Barry's and let me tell you, it's a good thing I didn't have a recent paycheck in my hand or I would have spent at least $300. It's all mostly cotton clothing but the style is basic solid colors and simple designs. It's like they totally understand me. At $8 for shirts and $11 for pants and jeans I would have ended up with a complete leisure wardrobe. With this store and then going to thrift stores I might actually turn into a clothes person. And I really hate shopping for clothes! I think it's the clutter I don't like in most stores but this store was completely uncluttered. I can just stand in one spot and I know I want that, and that, and that... and then get on with my life. I'm still going to force myself to obey my 3 week rule: if I don't remember it after three weeks... I don't need it!
I need to meet new people. All I seem to do at home is nap. I'm going to post an add on CL to meet new people and see if anyone bites.
I need to meet new people. All I seem to do at home is nap. I'm going to post an add on CL to meet new people and see if anyone bites.
Movies
I went to the movies yesterday afternoon. I saw "The Bridge to Tarabithia". The biggest problem I had with the film was my preoccupation with figuring out if the characters were imagining everything or if it was real. It distracted me somewhat from the real story which hits you like a sack of bricks the way it comes out of nowhere. I was seriously fighting back the tears on this one. I'm still not exactly sure what the theme is. Relationships? Imagination? Art? Maybe sharing and friendships? Doesn't matter, it was definitely worth seeing.
I also stuck around and saw Ghost Rider. I was expecting it to totally suck but was pleasantly surprised that it was actually decent. It wasn't superman returns or spiderman but it was alright.
I also stuck around and saw Ghost Rider. I was expecting it to totally suck but was pleasantly surprised that it was actually decent. It wasn't superman returns or spiderman but it was alright.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Note to self - Don't mix wine and vodka
Seriously!
I think I'm on a mission to kill myself or something. And why do I have this tendency of putting my foot in my mouth when I drink... Really my mouth tastes like my foot was in it... What's strange is that.. I was drinking in the Bar and I'm totally fixed on a girl reading her textbook. Sure the girl is cute but I'm just totally bugging because I want to know what she's reading... that's just not normal. I seriously need a life!
On a side note... I saw Charlie again last night. For those that don't know he's this bum I buy drinks for now and then. I won't give him money or buy him a bottle but I'll buy him a drink like a normal person. But get this... he actually bought me a wine last night... go figure. But close to closing I seriously looked at him. The guy has skin cancer, just a couple marks on his face but it has to be cancer. And from the looks of it I'd guess it's metastasized already. He has no chance of getting better. And I can get't this quote out of my head... get busy living or get busy dying...
I think I'm on a mission to kill myself or something. And why do I have this tendency of putting my foot in my mouth when I drink... Really my mouth tastes like my foot was in it... What's strange is that.. I was drinking in the Bar and I'm totally fixed on a girl reading her textbook. Sure the girl is cute but I'm just totally bugging because I want to know what she's reading... that's just not normal. I seriously need a life!
On a side note... I saw Charlie again last night. For those that don't know he's this bum I buy drinks for now and then. I won't give him money or buy him a bottle but I'll buy him a drink like a normal person. But get this... he actually bought me a wine last night... go figure. But close to closing I seriously looked at him. The guy has skin cancer, just a couple marks on his face but it has to be cancer. And from the looks of it I'd guess it's metastasized already. He has no chance of getting better. And I can get't this quote out of my head... get busy living or get busy dying...
Friday, February 23, 2007
Dazed and Confused
Why do I procrastinate? Why can't I just do what I know I need to do and get it out of the way? Maybe I'm just lazy and I secretly know that if I did that I would give myself way more things to do. It's so easy to get in a pattern of doing only the minimal, doing only what has to be done.
Over the past month I've had a profound feeling that something needed to change. I wasn't sure what it was. From the mundane of moving the rackmount rack out of my room to the garage, fix the motorcycle.. maybe the danger is over, start running again... or move to another city. Then in a moment of alcoholic euphoria last weekend I realized that what needed to change was me. Me changing would change a whole bunch of things. And over the past week I'm all the more convinced that's what I need to do. But how do I change myself? Where is the support for the lost to change themselves?
I always have the answers for everyone else. Might take years but for the most part after people tell me to go to hell then come back and tell me I was right or at least on the spot. But I never have answers for myself. Maybe it's that I just haven't learned to listen to myself. Yes... I don't trust myself...
I need to get out... Maybe after dinner and laundry I'll understand.
Over the past month I've had a profound feeling that something needed to change. I wasn't sure what it was. From the mundane of moving the rackmount rack out of my room to the garage, fix the motorcycle.. maybe the danger is over, start running again... or move to another city. Then in a moment of alcoholic euphoria last weekend I realized that what needed to change was me. Me changing would change a whole bunch of things. And over the past week I'm all the more convinced that's what I need to do. But how do I change myself? Where is the support for the lost to change themselves?
I always have the answers for everyone else. Might take years but for the most part after people tell me to go to hell then come back and tell me I was right or at least on the spot. But I never have answers for myself. Maybe it's that I just haven't learned to listen to myself. Yes... I don't trust myself...
I need to get out... Maybe after dinner and laundry I'll understand.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Renewal
It's raining outside now. I like rain but it makes me feel so lonely sometimes. I've slowing been converting my blogs from myspace to Blogger since last night in between doing other stuff. I want to thank Debbie at Random Oasis for turning me onto Blogger. I haven't written in a while since I kind of was demoralized by the Myspace blogging system. I went in and edited a number of my blogs for some spelling and other minor editing tweaks and it wouldn't let me resave them with the original dates. So even if I posted something new, older stuff would always appear before it. I know that no one reads this stuff but still I want it in order! Guess I was just being anal about it.
But I must say I think I like Blogger better. You can cut and past into their editor really easy and the fonts just look better. Plus Blogger has some pretty nice stylesheets and gives you the option of creating your own. I think it will be good to separate my blogging from myspace. I'll just use myspace as an alternative to email and to keep in touch with people. I'll let people know about the blog and anyone that really wants to read it can just request the web address.
Looking at Debbie's picture. She's cute though I wish she were a few years older. She just got some new glasses. And yes Debbie if you ever read this they do look amazing on you. But it reminds me that I should get some glasses myself again. I've been wearing contacts a few years now and don't have fully functional glasses with a current prescription. My eyes are bothering me right now but I have stuff to do and I need to see; I'm too blind without them. It would be just so unbelievable wonderful to be able to take out my contacts right now and put on some glasses.
The rain is messing up the DSL connection. I won't be able to post this until later. I wish we had never changed from TW cable. I think I'm going to get a domain name either and setup a mail server or a mail forwarder so that I won't have to worry about playing musical email addresses again. I was thinking about registering my last name for a .org since it's untaken but I'm starting to think I may want some anonymity. Maybe I'll setup two domains, I'm just not sure.
Lastly I woke up last night with a sore right arm. For the life of me I don't understand what could have happened. It feels like I was hit in the arm with a crowbar or 2x4. It hurts to barely lift it. That and a gloomy day. I hope the week gets better.
But I must say I think I like Blogger better. You can cut and past into their editor really easy and the fonts just look better. Plus Blogger has some pretty nice stylesheets and gives you the option of creating your own. I think it will be good to separate my blogging from myspace. I'll just use myspace as an alternative to email and to keep in touch with people. I'll let people know about the blog and anyone that really wants to read it can just request the web address.
Looking at Debbie's picture. She's cute though I wish she were a few years older. She just got some new glasses. And yes Debbie if you ever read this they do look amazing on you. But it reminds me that I should get some glasses myself again. I've been wearing contacts a few years now and don't have fully functional glasses with a current prescription. My eyes are bothering me right now but I have stuff to do and I need to see; I'm too blind without them. It would be just so unbelievable wonderful to be able to take out my contacts right now and put on some glasses.
The rain is messing up the DSL connection. I won't be able to post this until later. I wish we had never changed from TW cable. I think I'm going to get a domain name either and setup a mail server or a mail forwarder so that I won't have to worry about playing musical email addresses again. I was thinking about registering my last name for a .org since it's untaken but I'm starting to think I may want some anonymity. Maybe I'll setup two domains, I'm just not sure.
Lastly I woke up last night with a sore right arm. For the life of me I don't understand what could have happened. It feels like I was hit in the arm with a crowbar or 2x4. It hurts to barely lift it. That and a gloomy day. I hope the week gets better.
Accusations
I remember one time I was in the public library. I was called in to talk to one of the administrators. I had been going for a couple months regularly after I got back from Portland since all my computers and stuff was still in storage up there. I was around 26 years old. In short their was a complaint that I was looking at some of the young girls that go there after school by some parent. I don't know what it is about me... This was back when I had a full head of hair. I was a very clean cut, and had short dirty blond hair. People just saw something they didn't like. I remember one time I was signing up for classes at the local community college and when I got up to the window the young woman says... you know, you look just like Jeffrey Dahmer. What kind of a thing is that to say to a person? Maybe they were just sensing how I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I just don't know.
A year or two later I just said f*** it and started shaving my head. Might as well look the part I figured. And I had always truly wanted to shave my head too. I didn't do it when I was younger because I always thought young men with bald head (by that I mean shaved, not the skin head look) made men look way to efficient. And I have a bit of a complex from the number of men that had made passes at me. Particularly Indian men. But I digress... I shaved my head and I never regretted it ever since. It's only now when I'm a few years older, when I notice my growing true baldness, that I appreciate my not seeing it disappear and twenty years from now I'll appreciate it when I won't notice it going gray. Besides, it looks good on me!
Back to the library story. I think I know what bothered whomever it was that complained. And I not going to lie and say I've never looked at young teenage girls with lust, I have, particularly down at the beach. When a truly amazingly beautiful teenage beauty comes along, there just is no denying it. But this is Los Angeles and I am not that ugly of a guy. Anyone willing to put in the hard work can sleep with two or three beautiful and legal young women every week that look just as good or better. But back then I was still in a depressed state from my failed move to Portland. The kids would hangout outside the library or go inside and sometimes they would play hide and seek in the stacks. I was looking at all the kids with nostalgia. So many times I wish I can just go back and do it all over again. Childhood was a much happier and stressless time. I didn't have to worry about rent, or buying food and clothes, or putting up with assholes at work. Sometimes I would think, if I had a child would they grow up to be like this pretty girl or that silly boy. Maybe someone saw me smile. Never the less I stopped going to the library very often after that. It's not a very nice world.
A year or two later I just said f*** it and started shaving my head. Might as well look the part I figured. And I had always truly wanted to shave my head too. I didn't do it when I was younger because I always thought young men with bald head (by that I mean shaved, not the skin head look) made men look way to efficient. And I have a bit of a complex from the number of men that had made passes at me. Particularly Indian men. But I digress... I shaved my head and I never regretted it ever since. It's only now when I'm a few years older, when I notice my growing true baldness, that I appreciate my not seeing it disappear and twenty years from now I'll appreciate it when I won't notice it going gray. Besides, it looks good on me!
Back to the library story. I think I know what bothered whomever it was that complained. And I not going to lie and say I've never looked at young teenage girls with lust, I have, particularly down at the beach. When a truly amazingly beautiful teenage beauty comes along, there just is no denying it. But this is Los Angeles and I am not that ugly of a guy. Anyone willing to put in the hard work can sleep with two or three beautiful and legal young women every week that look just as good or better. But back then I was still in a depressed state from my failed move to Portland. The kids would hangout outside the library or go inside and sometimes they would play hide and seek in the stacks. I was looking at all the kids with nostalgia. So many times I wish I can just go back and do it all over again. Childhood was a much happier and stressless time. I didn't have to worry about rent, or buying food and clothes, or putting up with assholes at work. Sometimes I would think, if I had a child would they grow up to be like this pretty girl or that silly boy. Maybe someone saw me smile. Never the less I stopped going to the library very often after that. It's not a very nice world.
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