Why do I procrastinate? Why can't I just do what I know I need to do and get it out of the way? Maybe I'm just lazy and I secretly know that if I did that I would give myself way more things to do. It's so easy to get in a pattern of doing only the minimal, doing only what has to be done.
Over the past month I've had a profound feeling that something needed to change. I wasn't sure what it was. From the mundane of moving the rackmount rack out of my room to the garage, fix the motorcycle.. maybe the danger is over, start running again... or move to another city. Then in a moment of alcoholic euphoria last weekend I realized that what needed to change was me. Me changing would change a whole bunch of things. And over the past week I'm all the more convinced that's what I need to do. But how do I change myself? Where is the support for the lost to change themselves?
I always have the answers for everyone else. Might take years but for the most part after people tell me to go to hell then come back and tell me I was right or at least on the spot. But I never have answers for myself. Maybe it's that I just haven't learned to listen to myself. Yes... I don't trust myself...
I need to get out... Maybe after dinner and laundry I'll understand.
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