Accusations

I remember one time I was in the public library. I was called in to talk to one of the administrators. I had been going for a couple months regularly after I got back from Portland since all my computers and stuff was still in storage up there. I was around 26 years old. In short their was a complaint that I was looking at some of the young girls that go there after school by some parent. I don't know what it is about me... This was back when I had a full head of hair. I was a very clean cut, and had short dirty blond hair. People just saw something they didn't like. I remember one time I was signing up for classes at the local community college and when I got up to the window the young woman says... you know, you look just like Jeffrey Dahmer. What kind of a thing is that to say to a person? Maybe they were just sensing how I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I just don't know.

A year or two later I just said f*** it and started shaving my head. Might as well look the part I figured. And I had always truly wanted to shave my head too. I didn't do it when I was younger because I always thought young men with bald head (by that I mean shaved, not the skin head look) made men look way to efficient. And I have a bit of a complex from the number of men that had made passes at me. Particularly Indian men. But I digress... I shaved my head and I never regretted it ever since. It's only now when I'm a few years older, when I notice my growing true baldness, that I appreciate my not seeing it disappear and twenty years from now I'll appreciate it when I won't notice it going gray. Besides, it looks good on me!

Back to the library story. I think I know what bothered whomever it was that complained. And I not going to lie and say I've never looked at young teenage girls with lust, I have, particularly down at the beach. When a truly amazingly beautiful teenage beauty comes along, there just is no denying it. But this is Los Angeles and I am not that ugly of a guy. Anyone willing to put in the hard work can sleep with two or three beautiful and legal young women every week that look just as good or better. But back then I was still in a depressed state from my failed move to Portland. The kids would hangout outside the library or go inside and sometimes they would play hide and seek in the stacks. I was looking at all the kids with nostalgia. So many times I wish I can just go back and do it all over again. Childhood was a much happier and stressless time. I didn't have to worry about rent, or buying food and clothes, or putting up with assholes at work. Sometimes I would think, if I had a child would they grow up to be like this pretty girl or that silly boy. Maybe someone saw me smile. Never the less I stopped going to the library very often after that. It's not a very nice world.