Thanks for the music

Mr. Vilians you were my guitar teacher in school and I just want to say thank you. I received A's in all your classes but we both know it wasn't because I actually had any talent, it was because I just really enjoyed picking up a guitar and being able to play something. And you gave me that and every time I pick up a guitar I'm always grateful for it. Thank you.

Steve & Barry's

Took a stroll this afternoon. Stopped at a bunch of places but ended up at the Fox Hills mall. This is totally going to sound like an ad... I finally got check out Steven & Barry's and let me tell you, it's a good thing I didn't have a recent paycheck in my hand or I would have spent at least $300. It's all mostly cotton clothing but the style is basic solid colors and simple designs. It's like they totally understand me. At $8 for shirts and $11 for pants and jeans I would have ended up with a complete leisure wardrobe. With this store and then going to thrift stores I might actually turn into a clothes person. And I really hate shopping for clothes! I think it's the clutter I don't like in most stores but this store was completely uncluttered. I can just stand in one spot and I know I want that, and that, and that... and then get on with my life. I'm still going to force myself to obey my 3 week rule: if I don't remember it after three weeks... I don't need it!

I need to meet new people. All I seem to do at home is nap. I'm going to post an add on CL to meet new people and see if anyone bites.

Movies

I went to the movies yesterday afternoon. I saw "The Bridge to Tarabithia". The biggest problem I had with the film was my preoccupation with figuring out if the characters were imagining everything or if it was real. It distracted me somewhat from the real story which hits you like a sack of bricks the way it comes out of nowhere. I was seriously fighting back the tears on this one. I'm still not exactly sure what the theme is. Relationships? Imagination? Art? Maybe sharing and friendships? Doesn't matter, it was definitely worth seeing.

I also stuck around and saw Ghost Rider. I was expecting it to totally suck but was pleasantly surprised that it was actually decent. It wasn't superman returns or spiderman but it was alright.

Note to self - Don't mix wine and vodka

Seriously!

I think I'm on a mission to kill myself or something. And why do I have this tendency of putting my foot in my mouth when I drink... Really my mouth tastes like my foot was in it... What's strange is that.. I was drinking in the Bar and I'm totally fixed on a girl reading her textbook. Sure the girl is cute but I'm just totally bugging because I want to know what she's reading... that's just not normal. I seriously need a life!

On a side note... I saw Charlie again last night. For those that don't know he's this bum I buy drinks for now and then. I won't give him money or buy him a bottle but I'll buy him a drink like a normal person. But get this... he actually bought me a wine last night... go figure. But close to closing I seriously looked at him. The guy has skin cancer, just a couple marks on his face but it has to be cancer. And from the looks of it I'd guess it's metastasized already. He has no chance of getting better. And I can get't this quote out of my head... get busy living or get busy dying...

Dazed and Confused

Why do I procrastinate? Why can't I just do what I know I need to do and get it out of the way? Maybe I'm just lazy and I secretly know that if I did that I would give myself way more things to do. It's so easy to get in a pattern of doing only the minimal, doing only what has to be done.

Over the past month I've had a profound feeling that something needed to change. I wasn't sure what it was. From the mundane of moving the rackmount rack out of my room to the garage, fix the motorcycle.. maybe the danger is over, start running again... or move to another city. Then in a moment of alcoholic euphoria last weekend I realized that what needed to change was me. Me changing would change a whole bunch of things. And over the past week I'm all the more convinced that's what I need to do. But how do I change myself? Where is the support for the lost to change themselves?

I always have the answers for everyone else. Might take years but for the most part after people tell me to go to hell then come back and tell me I was right or at least on the spot. But I never have answers for myself. Maybe it's that I just haven't learned to listen to myself. Yes... I don't trust myself...

I need to get out... Maybe after dinner and laundry I'll understand.

Renewal

It's raining outside now. I like rain but it makes me feel so lonely sometimes. I've slowing been converting my blogs from myspace to Blogger since last night in between doing other stuff. I want to thank Debbie at Random Oasis for turning me onto Blogger. I haven't written in a while since I kind of was demoralized by the Myspace blogging system. I went in and edited a number of my blogs for some spelling and other minor editing tweaks and it wouldn't let me resave them with the original dates. So even if I posted something new, older stuff would always appear before it. I know that no one reads this stuff but still I want it in order! Guess I was just being anal about it.

But I must say I think I like Blogger better. You can cut and past into their editor really easy and the fonts just look better. Plus Blogger has some pretty nice stylesheets and gives you the option of creating your own. I think it will be good to separate my blogging from myspace. I'll just use myspace as an alternative to email and to keep in touch with people. I'll let people know about the blog and anyone that really wants to read it can just request the web address.

Looking at Debbie's picture. She's cute though I wish she were a few years older. She just got some new glasses. And yes Debbie if you ever read this they do look amazing on you. But it reminds me that I should get some glasses myself again. I've been wearing contacts a few years now and don't have fully functional glasses with a current prescription. My eyes are bothering me right now but I have stuff to do and I need to see; I'm too blind without them. It would be just so unbelievable wonderful to be able to take out my contacts right now and put on some glasses.

The rain is messing up the DSL connection. I won't be able to post this until later. I wish we had never changed from TW cable. I think I'm going to get a domain name either and setup a mail server or a mail forwarder so that I won't have to worry about playing musical email addresses again. I was thinking about registering my last name for a .org since it's untaken but I'm starting to think I may want some anonymity. Maybe I'll setup two domains, I'm just not sure.

Lastly I woke up last night with a sore right arm. For the life of me I don't understand what could have happened. It feels like I was hit in the arm with a crowbar or 2x4. It hurts to barely lift it. That and a gloomy day. I hope the week gets better.

Accusations

I remember one time I was in the public library. I was called in to talk to one of the administrators. I had been going for a couple months regularly after I got back from Portland since all my computers and stuff was still in storage up there. I was around 26 years old. In short their was a complaint that I was looking at some of the young girls that go there after school by some parent. I don't know what it is about me... This was back when I had a full head of hair. I was a very clean cut, and had short dirty blond hair. People just saw something they didn't like. I remember one time I was signing up for classes at the local community college and when I got up to the window the young woman says... you know, you look just like Jeffrey Dahmer. What kind of a thing is that to say to a person? Maybe they were just sensing how I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I just don't know.

A year or two later I just said f*** it and started shaving my head. Might as well look the part I figured. And I had always truly wanted to shave my head too. I didn't do it when I was younger because I always thought young men with bald head (by that I mean shaved, not the skin head look) made men look way to efficient. And I have a bit of a complex from the number of men that had made passes at me. Particularly Indian men. But I digress... I shaved my head and I never regretted it ever since. It's only now when I'm a few years older, when I notice my growing true baldness, that I appreciate my not seeing it disappear and twenty years from now I'll appreciate it when I won't notice it going gray. Besides, it looks good on me!

Back to the library story. I think I know what bothered whomever it was that complained. And I not going to lie and say I've never looked at young teenage girls with lust, I have, particularly down at the beach. When a truly amazingly beautiful teenage beauty comes along, there just is no denying it. But this is Los Angeles and I am not that ugly of a guy. Anyone willing to put in the hard work can sleep with two or three beautiful and legal young women every week that look just as good or better. But back then I was still in a depressed state from my failed move to Portland. The kids would hangout outside the library or go inside and sometimes they would play hide and seek in the stacks. I was looking at all the kids with nostalgia. So many times I wish I can just go back and do it all over again. Childhood was a much happier and stressless time. I didn't have to worry about rent, or buying food and clothes, or putting up with assholes at work. Sometimes I would think, if I had a child would they grow up to be like this pretty girl or that silly boy. Maybe someone saw me smile. Never the less I stopped going to the library very often after that. It's not a very nice world.