Seriously!
I think I'm on a mission to kill myself or something. And why do I have this tendency of putting my foot in my mouth when I drink... Really my mouth tastes like my foot was in it... What's strange is that.. I was drinking in the Bar and I'm totally fixed on a girl reading her textbook. Sure the girl is cute but I'm just totally bugging because I want to know what she's reading... that's just not normal. I seriously need a life!
On a side note... I saw Charlie again last night. For those that don't know he's this bum I buy drinks for now and then. I won't give him money or buy him a bottle but I'll buy him a drink like a normal person. But get this... he actually bought me a wine last night... go figure. But close to closing I seriously looked at him. The guy has skin cancer, just a couple marks on his face but it has to be cancer. And from the looks of it I'd guess it's metastasized already. He has no chance of getting better. And I can get't this quote out of my head... get busy living or get busy dying...
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Dazed and Confused
Why do I procrastinate? Why can't I just do what I know I need to do and get it out of the way? Maybe I'm just lazy and I secretly know that if I did that I would give myself way more things to do. It's so easy to get in a pattern of doing only the minimal, doing only what has to be done.
Over the past month I've had a profound feeling that something needed to change. I wasn't sure what it was. From the mundane of moving the rackmount rack out of my room to the garage, fix the motorcycle.. maybe the danger is over, start running again... or move to another city. Then in a moment of alcoholic euphoria last weekend I realized that what needed to change was me. Me changing would change a whole bunch of things. And over the past week I'm all the more convinced that's what I need to do. But how do I change myself? Where is the support for the lost to change themselves?
I always have the answers for everyone else. Might take years but for the most part after people tell me to go to hell then come back and tell me I was right or at least on the spot. But I never have answers for myself. Maybe it's that I just haven't learned to listen to myself. Yes... I don't trust myself...
I need to get out... Maybe after dinner and laundry I'll understand.
Over the past month I've had a profound feeling that something needed to change. I wasn't sure what it was. From the mundane of moving the rackmount rack out of my room to the garage, fix the motorcycle.. maybe the danger is over, start running again... or move to another city. Then in a moment of alcoholic euphoria last weekend I realized that what needed to change was me. Me changing would change a whole bunch of things. And over the past week I'm all the more convinced that's what I need to do. But how do I change myself? Where is the support for the lost to change themselves?
I always have the answers for everyone else. Might take years but for the most part after people tell me to go to hell then come back and tell me I was right or at least on the spot. But I never have answers for myself. Maybe it's that I just haven't learned to listen to myself. Yes... I don't trust myself...
I need to get out... Maybe after dinner and laundry I'll understand.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Renewal
It's raining outside now. I like rain but it makes me feel so lonely sometimes. I've slowing been converting my blogs from myspace to Blogger since last night in between doing other stuff. I want to thank Debbie at Random Oasis for turning me onto Blogger. I haven't written in a while since I kind of was demoralized by the Myspace blogging system. I went in and edited a number of my blogs for some spelling and other minor editing tweaks and it wouldn't let me resave them with the original dates. So even if I posted something new, older stuff would always appear before it. I know that no one reads this stuff but still I want it in order! Guess I was just being anal about it.
But I must say I think I like Blogger better. You can cut and past into their editor really easy and the fonts just look better. Plus Blogger has some pretty nice stylesheets and gives you the option of creating your own. I think it will be good to separate my blogging from myspace. I'll just use myspace as an alternative to email and to keep in touch with people. I'll let people know about the blog and anyone that really wants to read it can just request the web address.
Looking at Debbie's picture. She's cute though I wish she were a few years older. She just got some new glasses. And yes Debbie if you ever read this they do look amazing on you. But it reminds me that I should get some glasses myself again. I've been wearing contacts a few years now and don't have fully functional glasses with a current prescription. My eyes are bothering me right now but I have stuff to do and I need to see; I'm too blind without them. It would be just so unbelievable wonderful to be able to take out my contacts right now and put on some glasses.
The rain is messing up the DSL connection. I won't be able to post this until later. I wish we had never changed from TW cable. I think I'm going to get a domain name either and setup a mail server or a mail forwarder so that I won't have to worry about playing musical email addresses again. I was thinking about registering my last name for a .org since it's untaken but I'm starting to think I may want some anonymity. Maybe I'll setup two domains, I'm just not sure.
Lastly I woke up last night with a sore right arm. For the life of me I don't understand what could have happened. It feels like I was hit in the arm with a crowbar or 2x4. It hurts to barely lift it. That and a gloomy day. I hope the week gets better.
But I must say I think I like Blogger better. You can cut and past into their editor really easy and the fonts just look better. Plus Blogger has some pretty nice stylesheets and gives you the option of creating your own. I think it will be good to separate my blogging from myspace. I'll just use myspace as an alternative to email and to keep in touch with people. I'll let people know about the blog and anyone that really wants to read it can just request the web address.
Looking at Debbie's picture. She's cute though I wish she were a few years older. She just got some new glasses. And yes Debbie if you ever read this they do look amazing on you. But it reminds me that I should get some glasses myself again. I've been wearing contacts a few years now and don't have fully functional glasses with a current prescription. My eyes are bothering me right now but I have stuff to do and I need to see; I'm too blind without them. It would be just so unbelievable wonderful to be able to take out my contacts right now and put on some glasses.
The rain is messing up the DSL connection. I won't be able to post this until later. I wish we had never changed from TW cable. I think I'm going to get a domain name either and setup a mail server or a mail forwarder so that I won't have to worry about playing musical email addresses again. I was thinking about registering my last name for a .org since it's untaken but I'm starting to think I may want some anonymity. Maybe I'll setup two domains, I'm just not sure.
Lastly I woke up last night with a sore right arm. For the life of me I don't understand what could have happened. It feels like I was hit in the arm with a crowbar or 2x4. It hurts to barely lift it. That and a gloomy day. I hope the week gets better.
Accusations
I remember one time I was in the public library. I was called in to talk to one of the administrators. I had been going for a couple months regularly after I got back from Portland since all my computers and stuff was still in storage up there. I was around 26 years old. In short their was a complaint that I was looking at some of the young girls that go there after school by some parent. I don't know what it is about me... This was back when I had a full head of hair. I was a very clean cut, and had short dirty blond hair. People just saw something they didn't like. I remember one time I was signing up for classes at the local community college and when I got up to the window the young woman says... you know, you look just like Jeffrey Dahmer. What kind of a thing is that to say to a person? Maybe they were just sensing how I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I just don't know.
A year or two later I just said f*** it and started shaving my head. Might as well look the part I figured. And I had always truly wanted to shave my head too. I didn't do it when I was younger because I always thought young men with bald head (by that I mean shaved, not the skin head look) made men look way to efficient. And I have a bit of a complex from the number of men that had made passes at me. Particularly Indian men. But I digress... I shaved my head and I never regretted it ever since. It's only now when I'm a few years older, when I notice my growing true baldness, that I appreciate my not seeing it disappear and twenty years from now I'll appreciate it when I won't notice it going gray. Besides, it looks good on me!
Back to the library story. I think I know what bothered whomever it was that complained. And I not going to lie and say I've never looked at young teenage girls with lust, I have, particularly down at the beach. When a truly amazingly beautiful teenage beauty comes along, there just is no denying it. But this is Los Angeles and I am not that ugly of a guy. Anyone willing to put in the hard work can sleep with two or three beautiful and legal young women every week that look just as good or better. But back then I was still in a depressed state from my failed move to Portland. The kids would hangout outside the library or go inside and sometimes they would play hide and seek in the stacks. I was looking at all the kids with nostalgia. So many times I wish I can just go back and do it all over again. Childhood was a much happier and stressless time. I didn't have to worry about rent, or buying food and clothes, or putting up with assholes at work. Sometimes I would think, if I had a child would they grow up to be like this pretty girl or that silly boy. Maybe someone saw me smile. Never the less I stopped going to the library very often after that. It's not a very nice world.
A year or two later I just said f*** it and started shaving my head. Might as well look the part I figured. And I had always truly wanted to shave my head too. I didn't do it when I was younger because I always thought young men with bald head (by that I mean shaved, not the skin head look) made men look way to efficient. And I have a bit of a complex from the number of men that had made passes at me. Particularly Indian men. But I digress... I shaved my head and I never regretted it ever since. It's only now when I'm a few years older, when I notice my growing true baldness, that I appreciate my not seeing it disappear and twenty years from now I'll appreciate it when I won't notice it going gray. Besides, it looks good on me!
Back to the library story. I think I know what bothered whomever it was that complained. And I not going to lie and say I've never looked at young teenage girls with lust, I have, particularly down at the beach. When a truly amazingly beautiful teenage beauty comes along, there just is no denying it. But this is Los Angeles and I am not that ugly of a guy. Anyone willing to put in the hard work can sleep with two or three beautiful and legal young women every week that look just as good or better. But back then I was still in a depressed state from my failed move to Portland. The kids would hangout outside the library or go inside and sometimes they would play hide and seek in the stacks. I was looking at all the kids with nostalgia. So many times I wish I can just go back and do it all over again. Childhood was a much happier and stressless time. I didn't have to worry about rent, or buying food and clothes, or putting up with assholes at work. Sometimes I would think, if I had a child would they grow up to be like this pretty girl or that silly boy. Maybe someone saw me smile. Never the less I stopped going to the library very often after that. It's not a very nice world.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Example Drunk Email
Everyone has heard of Drunk Dialing but anyone ever try Drunk Emailing....
------
Ignore this. Sorry to bother you, but I'm drunk right now and can't help myself. I can't talk worth shit right now but unfortunately I can't stop thinking. Sober I'm silent as night but drunk I compelled to speak.
I not trying to hook up as every man that says hello to you wants, I've had too much alcohol to care about that now, I just wanted to say I think your god dam beautiful and every man you grace is lucky.
...And no matter what motherfuckers have done to you..., and as awsome you are or could be (after all I don't know you), motherfuckers will use you, but don't give up hope. Love comes from within, it's rarely two ways. so embrace what you can, males are stupid mutherfuckers and females aren't that far behind for loving them. But at least females have more courage to try. Men are too afraid to be weak.
If you ever see my drunk ass, give me a kiss on the cheek, a hug, and say a prayer at the end of the night, I'll need it.
You think women have it hard, think about what guys that try to be good go through. Punished every step of the way. Men are punished for being good. The good ones sadly are never found in time, they always break, on both sides, male and female. For that's that is curse of being human.
Ignore me or feel free to cuss my ass out, if your honest it all good. I'm just another stupid motherfucker ducking his head in the sand.
Sleep... thank you for bearing all that....
God bless.
------
Ignore this. Sorry to bother you, but I'm drunk right now and can't help myself. I can't talk worth shit right now but unfortunately I can't stop thinking. Sober I'm silent as night but drunk I compelled to speak.
I not trying to hook up as every man that says hello to you wants, I've had too much alcohol to care about that now, I just wanted to say I think your god dam beautiful and every man you grace is lucky.
...And no matter what motherfuckers have done to you..., and as awsome you are or could be (after all I don't know you), motherfuckers will use you, but don't give up hope. Love comes from within, it's rarely two ways. so embrace what you can, males are stupid mutherfuckers and females aren't that far behind for loving them. But at least females have more courage to try. Men are too afraid to be weak.
If you ever see my drunk ass, give me a kiss on the cheek, a hug, and say a prayer at the end of the night, I'll need it.
You think women have it hard, think about what guys that try to be good go through. Punished every step of the way. Men are punished for being good. The good ones sadly are never found in time, they always break, on both sides, male and female. For that's that is curse of being human.
Ignore me or feel free to cuss my ass out, if your honest it all good. I'm just another stupid motherfucker ducking his head in the sand.
Sleep... thank you for bearing all that....
God bless.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Man into Machine
It is all too clear to me that the evolution of our species will include our transformation into cybernetic and completely artificial beings.
Our need for immortality will be achieved through cloning and brain backups of a persons mind. Eventually brain backups will be able to be fully simulated artificially. As the hardware becomes more sophisticated people will upload their minds while their physical brain is suspended in a coma state into which afterward they will be able to download back into after their virtual existence. Artificial hardware will become so sophisticated that a person will live thousands of years worth of thought, contemplation, and virtual experiences in the hours a person would normally sleep.
Eventually there will be a revolution as people spurn their physical bodies for a pure virtual existence. And eventually those minds will desire to give birth to origional virtual minds. Pure minds might even desire to merge into combined entities. An existence of pure through and imagination is not that for away.
Much the same way we spoil the physical world, we will eventually shun our bodies for a spiritual existence.
Our need for immortality will be achieved through cloning and brain backups of a persons mind. Eventually brain backups will be able to be fully simulated artificially. As the hardware becomes more sophisticated people will upload their minds while their physical brain is suspended in a coma state into which afterward they will be able to download back into after their virtual existence. Artificial hardware will become so sophisticated that a person will live thousands of years worth of thought, contemplation, and virtual experiences in the hours a person would normally sleep.
Eventually there will be a revolution as people spurn their physical bodies for a pure virtual existence. And eventually those minds will desire to give birth to origional virtual minds. Pure minds might even desire to merge into combined entities. An existence of pure through and imagination is not that for away.
Much the same way we spoil the physical world, we will eventually shun our bodies for a spiritual existence.
Saturday, October 7, 2006
I hate the ice cream man
Every weekend while I struggle to get my ass out of bed after a night on the town that dam ice cream man comes by. I think there is a conspiracy. Every time I hear the bell I try to grab some shoes or sandles, were talking 10 to 15 seconds at the most and by that time the ice cream man is halfway down the street. Sometimes they will come by three times a day. I'm not going to go running down the street running like a mad man waving my arms. I wonder if they actually want to sell any ice cream.... It might be a covert marketing ploy by drug stores...
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